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Disposable Me

DISPOSABLE ME 4.7.18 What is it about me that makes it so easy, for people to just walk away? They say that they love me, or act like they do, but time after time, they don’t stay. Other people have parents who love them so much, in ways I can only imagine. Mine threw me away, like yesterday’s trash. For me, it was just bound to happen. When I love a man, I love from my heart, I give and I give till it hurts. Nobody gives back, it’s always the same, With all other women, he flirts. I’d never do something that would make him feel sad. I do everything within my power, to give from my heart, make him feel so important, with all of the love I can shower. The more that I give, the more that he takes, until I feel so naked and bare. But I still keep on giving, because that’s what I do. It’s the way that I love, show I care. I’ve finally concluded that no matter how much, that I give of myself doesn’t matter. He’ll still walk away, and leave me behind, leaving my heart to shatter. I don’t ever learn, to just stop trying, I cannot figure out why. I just keep on going, back for the pain, that hurts so much that I cry. The tears that I’ve shed for the same kind of man, who I’ve loved with all of my heart. I can’t even stand the thought of the pain, yet tomorrow again I will start. I have the ability to love in a way, that I always hope will be returned. Yet time and again, it never occurs. I wind up lonely and burned. If my own mom and dad and sisters as well, do not even care if I breathe, then how do I expect to find such a man, who will stay and not want to leave? A child discarded has got to be bad, how else can you start to explain? Nobody can know, the aching and hurt- disposable me in such pain. But would I want to be with a man such as that, whose own parents could leave him behind? There must be a reason, a real explanation, no parents could be that unkind. I’m a toss-a-way person, that nobody wants, easily forgotten and dumped. I must be no good, there’s no other reason. Again and again I am stumped. There’s something so wrong if everyone leaves, and never wants to come back. It comes from within, I’m not sure just what, but it has to be something I lack.

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