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calling my name.

She told me he was calling my name at the end. I never got there. Was never there for him really at all not then. So wrapped up in myself where he was concerned and most other things too. back then. I was just me. All me. He so sensitive both of us back then sensitive yet he more so. They killed him really. Always looking for a place where he could just be. I with determination and four years older had grown my own skin even though that was almost transparent he was transparent more so. He could not hide himself his soul like mine hidden his soul (still only 23) at the mercy of all those earthly bound monsters. Up I could fly a little he needed to be taught and I didn’t really help him. Yet he looked into my eyes so much for a time. So much to know this place. Our little lives together shared in bunk beds. We vanished away so many times together playing two boys two brothers we did know so many times this place our own place and nobody else’s place. The cracking away of hurts. We created so much laughter. Our noise. My brother and me Howard and me. Frightened in his hospital bed not wanting to see himself in a mirror any more. This disease had him got him held him tightly although all he’d ever wanted was his search for love. They killed him really with their calling of cruel names. Who could survive here? with so much ignorance. So much strength needed and none hardly none in him found yet. Caught too soon captured playing other men’s games discovering other men’s ways you see we did not know a secret then we both did not know nobody told us in thought deed or action or if they did we did not feel it how to love ourselves for our own sake a kind of survival a protection until we both could give to another in this world love. But not for us back then well not for me anyway I had decided to make my life elsewhere. Alone. So in the end when ill and everything he’d known so quickly gone. Alone in his flat father dead mother remarried and no other place found. Although with new camp friends waiting and the aunties lamenting he took his pills. Too many. “We know what you are?” “We know what you’ve turned into” “Oh cut the crap aunty Lilly” Once infected “Well if you will live that sort of life what do you expect?” he had to leave deciding his time was now and only now. Gone. Calling my name so many times in such a short life he was going and even though he was almost there he still was still somewhere fighting even though I had let him down so many times to boost my own fragile self he still seemed wanted to hold on to that thing we had inside us both. I’m sure at least I still hope so. Him inside me. Saying goodbye? to the world once shared when nobody else knew us could ever go. A world we inhabited before we had really ever begun the world of you and me Howard. I have learnt this from him only now today. He was in his end my lesson my worlds lesson a lesson taught hard by him to me. Sacrificed for my own good this unspoken word between ourselves always in my life his word my brother will always be to me Forgiveness. All the rest is folly.

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